One partner says, “Not tonight. I’m too tired.”
The other partner thinks, Didn’t you say that last night… and the night before?
This moment is familiar to countless couples, yet it’s rarely examined beyond surface explanations. Stress. Hormones. Aging. The label “low libido” is often applied quickly, but according to sexuality educator and TEDx speaker Courtney Fae Long, it frequently obscures what’s actually happening.
In her work with couples, Long sees “low libido” less as a condition and more as a misunderstanding of how desire works, especially for women.
What We Mean When We Say “Low Libido”
Low libido is commonly defined as a reduced interest in sexual activity. It’s often treated as a personal shortcoming or a biological issue, particularly when women are involved. But population-level data challenges this assumption.
A large U.S. study published in JAMA Network Open found that 47 percent of women and 72 percent of men report wanting more sex than they’re having. If nearly half of women report wanting more sex, Long argues, then the idea that women simply “lose interest” doesn’t hold up.
The issue isn’t desire itself. It’s how desire is being misunderstood.
The Desire Myth Causing So Much Confusion
One of the most common misconceptions Long encounters is the belief that desire should be spontaneous. That it should appear effortlessly and consistently, the way it often does early in relationships.
In reality, many women experience responsive desire, meaning arousal emerges after relaxation, emotional connection, and physical stimulation begin. This pattern becomes even more common after age 40 and increasingly applies to people of all genders over time.
When couples expect spontaneous desire and don’t understand responsive desire, they often interpret normal patterns as dysfunction.
Women don’t want less sex. They want sex that works for their bodies. When the focus is mainly on intercourse, women’s desire is often misinterpreted as absent—when in reality, what’s missing are the conditions that allow desire to arise: touch, slowness, presence, erotic connection, and emotional intimacy. It’s the difference between a one-course meal and a seven-course deeply fulfilling feast.
Stress, Safety, and the Nervous System
Long’s work places significant emphasis on nervous system regulation, something she sees overlooked in most conversations about libido.
Sexual arousal requires the body to be in a parasympathetic state, often referred to as “rest and digest.” Chronic stress keeps the nervous system in a sympathetic mode, prioritizing survival over pleasure.
Without a felt sense of safety, both physical and emotional, desire struggles to emerge. Desire cannot thrive under pressure. When intimacy feels expected rather than chosen, the nervous system contracts—even in loving relationships.
This is why Long often encourages couples to begin intimacy with intentional relaxation, not stimulation. Spending 20 to 30 minutes decompressing before any sexual activity, whether through quiet rest, gentle movement, or simply cuddling together without expectations, can fundamentally change the experience.
Medical factors and medications can affect libido for some people. At the same time, Long notes that desire is rarely explained by biology alone. Relational dynamics, emotional safety, and nervous system state play a powerful role — and attending to these layers can be supportive even when medical factors are present.
For many women, emotional connection from the heart is a prerequisite for physical arousal. Safety is not optional. It’s foundational.
Why Rushed Sex Suppresses Desire
Another pattern Long frequently observes is how rushed modern sex has become.
She compares it to a football game where warm-up drills are skipped in favor of sprinting straight to the goal line. The focus becomes performance and outcome rather than experience.
Research shows that women typically need 20 to 45 minutes of foreplay to become fully aroused, while studies estimate the average sexual encounter lasts between 5 and 12 minutes. In many cases, sex ends before arousal has had time to fully develop.
When sexual experiences consistently feel rushed or incomplete, desire naturally fades. As Long often says, when the sex someone is having is worth having, they tend to crave it more.
Understanding Female Arousal More Accurately
Long also highlights how limited education around female anatomy contributes to the problem.
Women have erectile tissue as well. The clitoris is not just a small external structure, but an extensive internal system that runs along both sides of the vaginal opening. This tissue fills with blood during arousal, a process that often requires time, relaxation, and sustained stimulation.
Arousal is gradual, not instantaneous. And sexual completion doesn’t need to be simultaneous. One partner finishing does not mean the experience must end. Staying engaged with each other—through touch, toys, or continued presence—until both partners feel complete reinforces safety, pleasure, and connection. Learning to slow down and remain present can deepen satisfaction for both partners.
Emotional Disconnection and Unresolved Resentment
Low libido is rarely just physiological. In Long’s experience, unresolved resentment is one of the most powerful barriers to desire.
Unspoken disappointments, broken promises, and emotional hurt create what she describes as a “heart wall.” Even when love remains, this emotional barrier makes vulnerability and arousal difficult.
Without addressing emotional disconnection, physical intimacy often feels forced or unsafe. Importantly, this kind of resentment is not permanent. Long notes that when emotional hurt is addressed through structured, caring conversations, desire often begins to return.
The Importance of Everyday Touch
Desire starts long before anyone enters the bedroom. In fact, it can start first thing in the morning and build throughout the day.
Long emphasizes the role of non-sexual affection in regulating the nervous system and rebuilding safety. Holding hands, cuddling, and warm casual touch in daily life all create connection without pressure. Couples can think of it as “All Day Connection and Affection” — the kind of ongoing closeness that becomes “All-Day Foreplay.”
When affectionate touch disappears outside the bedroom, sexual touch can feel abrupt or loaded with expectation.
Menopause Doesn’t Cause Low Libido
Perimenopause and menopause are often blamed for low libido, but hormonal changes rarely erase desire altogether. What they change is how desire needs to be approached.
As estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone fluctuate, many women need more time, emotional connection, and nervous system safety for arousal to emerge. Patterns that may have been tolerated earlier—rushed intimacy, skipped emotional attunement, and unresolved resentment—often become impossible for women’s bodies to override during this stage of life.
In Long’s experience, midlife desire doesn’t disappear—it becomes more discerning. Women’s bodies ask for slowness, presence, attunement, and repair. When those needs are met, desire in midlife can be strong—or even stronger—than earlier in life. For many women, this stage is not the end of sex. It’s the beginning of deeper, more fulfilling sex.
Cultural Shame and Sexual Conditioning
For many women, desire is further complicated by deep cultural conditioning.
Women are often taught to manage or minimize their sexuality, absorbing messages that pleasure is something to offer rather than receive. This conditioning can operate at a subconscious level, dampening arousal even when desire exists consciously.
Long notes that this shame doesn’t always feel dramatic. It often shows up as numbness, difficulty accessing pleasure, trouble reaching orgasm, or staying focused on a partner’s experience while disconnecting from one’s own.
No Two People Have the Same Desire Map
Finally, Long challenges the idea that there is a “cookie-cutter” approach to sex. Just like each person has an authentic self, each person also has an authentic way their body responds sexually.
Sexual response follows the dual control model, which includes both accelerators and brakes. What turns one person on may shut another down. As Emily Nagoski explains in Come As You Are, reducing inhibitors is often more important than increasing stimulation.
When couples apply a one-size-fits-all approach, desire suffers.
A More Accurate Frame
When low libido is present, both partners feel stuck, just in different ways. One may feel unwanted and confused, like they’re “too much.” The other may feel pressured and guilty, like they’re “not enough.”
According to Courtney Fae Long, the solution is not “fixing” anyone. It’s understanding how desire works.
One way she invites couples to explore this shift is by scheduling a dedicated Pleasure Date — at least an hour of uninterrupted time for slowness, connection, and exploring what brings pleasure to each partner, as though it’s their first time together. When intimacy is no longer rushed or goal-oriented, desire often returns on its own.
Low libido is often not a lack of desire at all. It’s a sign that something essential about arousal, safety, and connection has been misunderstood.